She flies with her own wings

I am slowly re-entering my daily life again after a full week surrounded by family for the Thanksgiving holidays. It always seems to take a day or two to get back into a groove, yes?

I didn’t want to wait too long to make this announcement but this will be the last week that I will be taking custom and made-to-order pendants in my Bella Wish shop. I will accept orders through midnight December 2nd only. After that I will be listing the ready-made necklaces I currently have in stock along with sale items – just in time for the holidays. These will remain listed until all have found new homes.

After going back and forth for several months and being blessed to have a wise caretaker in the process, I am allowing intuition to tell me it’s the right time to release that which needs releasing and create space for my creative growth in 2o12. As much as I love my little Etsy shop and those of you have who have found and supported it and the energy it has created, I find that most of my limited work time is dedicated to making and packaging orders. And while I have nothing but bow-down-to-the-floor gratitude for even having steady orders which is the goal of having an Etsy shop, I also wish to honor my need for creative expansion and exploration.

In 2010 I was blessed with the arrival of my second sweet daughter which expanded my family and opened my heart even wider, Mia’s teachings and lessons have awakened my creative path in a somewhat different way than it did with my first daughter, Isabella.

I won’t be closing my Etsy shop entirely, but I will be simplifying my entire line for 2012, which includes setting up shop here on my website. I will share more of what this means in the next couple of weeks as it begins to take shape – strangely it feels a bit reminiscent of those nervously excited feelings I experienced when I first launched Bella Wish.

My hope is that by creating more time for myself I will be able to create value in a way that is different than my jewelry, beginning with my Bella Wish Guide to Hand Stamping and my free iPhonegraphy tutorial, as well as writing and teaching opportunities.

The interesting thing I noticed is that the necklaces for 2012 truly reflect where I am right now which is in alignment with the philosophy of my Bella Wish shop – my designs reflect my own inspiration, lessons and mantras.

I am trusting the process that this decision to let go of a large part of what I created with Bella Wish is the right one for where I am currently at on my path. Since having made the decision to do so, it certainly feels that way – though it can be argued that I might be crazy to release that which currently creates the majority of my income to pursue avenues that are currently providing no income. This is where the trust part of following what I feel in my heart comes in. The fire has been lit and I am already seeing the open doorways that lie waiting ahead if I am willing to take the leap and not look back. *sigh* Breathing deeply through it all.

If you see anything currently in my shop, or in the sold orders section, that you are wanting, please use your choice of coupon code HOLIDAY10 or FREESHIP for 10% off or free shipping on any order before December 2nd.

At this time I am not offering any more of my very favorite I SHOOT LIKE A GIRL necklaces. These have become a best seller in my shop and I will miss making them, but I can let you in on a fun secret… they are being redesigned for 2012 (Yay!), and I am also working with an amazing illustrator to help outfit us in I SHOOT LIKE A GIRL t-shirts for next year as well. Double Yay!!!

I have also just listed WORD OF THE YEAR pendants which will be the only custom orders I will be offering through the end of February 2012. I have a few words in mind for my own pendant. When thinking of your own word, I invite you to think about what you are ready to leave behind with this year and what you wish to create in the coming year as taught by my sister and friend, Pixie who continuously teaches me to consciously connect with spirit.

Thank you to all of you who have supported my wee shop these past few years, this community is the reason indie businesses and creative pathways such as my own are able to thrive. When I count my blessings, this amazing community is always at the top. When I think back to the days of doing soulless work based on someone else’s values and how I now can clearly see how we each truly have the power to create our lives and work based on our own values, I know it is because I witness others creating conscious connection in their own lives. Community is where I find inspiration, wisdom and courage.

From conception to birth and nurturing and growth, the doors Bella Wish has opened and the gifts that it has brought are something I will carry with me and treasure always…. and will continue to do so as it transitions into something new.

It always comes back to trust.

On an old bookcase turned toy shelf sits a mason jar that holds an assortment of random crayons. This jar comes off the shelf pretty regularly when things call for color as they often do.

Though I must admit, more often than not, Isabella has this peculiar habit of peeling the paper off the crayons rather than using them to color. The first time I saw the huge pile of colored scraps she left behind I thought it looked like confetti and I had the idea that it might be fun to make something out of them, you know, someday. So I gathered them up and put all the torn pieces in a bag. I continued to repeat this cycle as did she… Isabella peeling crayon wrappers and me gathering them up for someday.

This past Friday we were in need of a fun project. I thought this would be a good day to break out the gel medium and the colored scraps of paper and that is what we did. It looked as if someday had arrived.

I had some blank canvasses that I have been holding onto forever (patiently waiting for their own someday) and grabbed one, along with some gel medium, paints, the bag of scraps, an old bedsheet, some brushes, some mood music and two eager-to-get-messy children and we gathered round for some play.

What we ended up with was our first truly collaborative painting. Usually when we gather around to paint we are working on paper creating individual masterpieces. But today I grabbed one canvas for the three of us to share. I brushed on the gel medium and then we each painted the canvas (and various body parts) with color. Once we were happy with the amount of paint spilled and spread, I poured the paper scraps over the painting, allowing them to simply rain onto the sticky surface and invited the girls to simply press them down into the canvas and glue, arranged however they wanted.

We were each incredibly messy and also incredibly in the moment. All three of us in serious play mode. No photo documentation of the process, I was fully in it right along with them. There was paint not only on the canvas, but also in hair, on feet, and in the sofa cushions. At first, amidst the mess, I wondered if this was such a good idea, there were tiny bits of colored paper and glue and paint literally everywhere… and as each of our fingers kept pressing away at each colored bit, I looked closer and realized this was a very good idea.

Our painting had begun to take shape and it gradually started to come together in a strange and beautiful way. Isabella found some broken bits of crayon at the bottom of the bag and we added those to our masterpiece and with one final coat of gel medium to hold it all in place, we set the piece aside to dry while the girls got in the bathtub and I borrowed some of their bathwater to scrub the sofa cushions.

As we played and the colors took over the white of the canvas, I realized something. I had been holding onto those white canvasses for so many years, waiting for the wrong kind of someday. The kind of someday attached to outcome and expectation that if I were to ever apply color to them that they would need to BE something other than just play. The kind of someday that brought up the triggers of if I were to apply paint, it would somehow be wrong because I wasn’t doing it the right way. Those blank canvasses represented the teachings of my past that I was still carrying all these years later.

I recalled a memory of being in elementary school where we had an art teacher visit and teach us how to draw fish. She was grading us on how well ours looked like hers and my rainbow fish was nowhere near her perfect orange goldfish. I remember she held up my picture to the entire class as an example of what not to do, and there it was – one defining moment in a child’s life who grew up carrying around the same blank canvasses for twenty years for fear of doing it wrong, a constant example of what not to do… though I have painted some fish since then. {click here to see}

The more I witness my children, the more they re-teach me what it feels like to just play without fear of doing something wrong, or expectation of doing something right. At the same time it makes me want to follow them to every future art class they ever take to protect them from anyone who may make an example of their rainbow fish. Though I know that it is just not possible, and that their experiences will be so different than my own growing up, I also know I can at least continue to create and nurture a home environment where they are free to just play without judgement.

Perhaps it’s not worthy of a gallery showing, but who cares? Those tiny scraps of paper and paint that now cover one of those blank canvasses represents the release of what I was carrying that day in elementary school. I am so in love with our first mother/daughters collaborative painting and five more white canvasses are now ready for their someday. This one act of play has inspired me to make somedays (both big and small) happen more often and play bigger. Color and play and mess is good. So so good.

I was blessed to be able to sit near the sea over the weekend, practicing self-care and conscious connection in a very deep way which I will share more about soon.

While taking some photos I was breathing in the tranquil peace of the moment, feeling very blessed to be standing right where I was and wanting to share a part of that feeling. So I made this for you as a way to bring you there too.

As we enter into the often stress-inducing craziness of the holiday season, may you find a moment in your busy days ahead to practice a bit of self-care, just sit quietly and breathe.

* I am still getting used to having a video camera on my phone so didn’t think to shoot this horizontally. I guess that means I need to visit again soon to make another video.

Until then, I would suggest hitting the four arrows on the lower right corner of the video to enlarge for greater impact. And don’t forget to have your volume up. Enjoy. 

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting –
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Wild Geese ~ Mary Oliver

I had the pleasure of witnessing Mary Oliver read these very words to a group of us hungry-eared listeners last Saturday evening. As she read one of her most well-known poems aloud it was almost as if I were hearing it for the very first time, her words staying with me on my drive from the tranquil softness of the Santa Barbara shoreline back to the siren-filled sounds of Los Angeles. And her words are with me still.

The next day as I glanced at the vision board I keep next to my latptop, there she was, Mary Oliver, mixed in with roughly cut magazine images of trees, words, inspiration and dreadlocks, all held together by gel medium and bits of turquoise paint.*

I remember my thoughts as I pasted Mary Oliver’s photo onto the board that February day along with the words “A great poem can move you, shake you, and remind you what it means to be human.” I remember my thoughts because they were simply that of allowing myself space to be moved and shaken, I liked how that sounded.  I remember my thoughts because they were a reminder to read more poetry as a way to smooth out the roughness of the messages of the world. I remember my thoughts because they were that of being conscious of the words I choose to feed my soul, while also inviting those in whose passion in life is to create beauty in this world through their words, ideas and actions. I remember my thoughts as I pasted Mary Oliver’s photo onto the board that February day because I thought to myself how amazing would it be to one day be in her presence?

And there I found myself last Saturday night. Sipping velvet wine and eating gorgeous cheese near the beckoning sea at sunset with someone whose grace and humbleness moves me, whose passion for truth and connection inspires me and together we listened to Mary Oliver’s voice read the words of her heart and allowed ourselves to be moved, shaken and reminded what it means to be human.

Thank you, Mary Oliver.

*Sidenote: I confess, I am one who is skeptical when it comes to the idea of vision boards. I wholeheartedly believe in the power of writing goals and dreams down and I do fill journals with photos and images, but something about the words vision board seem a bit to woo woo for me I suppose. Which is funny to me considering how woo woo I actually am.

Earlier this year Isabella and I cut out a bunch of magazine photos for an afternoon craft project and lo and behold I turned mine into a vision board which is now displayed in my workspace. Perhaps I am not the skeptic I think I am.

When I launched this site earlier this week I put an announcement up on my personal Facebook wall. Everyone who commented had some really lovely things to say which was much appreciated. Then towards the bottom of the thread one of my friends commented that she wished she had one ounce of the courage I had.

I immediately replied that she already had all the courage she needed, we all did. I have no more courage than anyone, and certainly not more than this lovely soul who wrote those words on my wall. But still, I couldn’t get her words out of my mind for some reason. I am sure she didn’t even mean anything by it, but it got me thinking just the same. Certainly courage isn’t something we are either born with or aren’t. No one is rationing out glittery bags of courage where some get more than others and if you run out, that’s it.

Courage is a practice – like yoga, or law, or the ukulele. Like anything the more we practice at it, the better we get at it and the easier it becomes. For myself, I don’t think launching a website is a courageous act – I’ve been practicing vulnerability for a while now through blogging, though for someone who has never put themselves out there publicly, of course it feels scary. For me, it seems far more courageous to do something like, I don’t know, jump out of an airplane, but for the instructor who has done it a thousand times I imagine it’s a day at the playground for them.

I don’t believe that some people have more courage than others, but what I do believe is that some people practice courage more than others. There are all kinds of things we choose to practice. I was someone who practiced fear for years, and I was quite good at it. My former practice was that of self-sabotage and staying stuck and frozen, because it was a safe place for me. At one time I wore fear as a full armor of protection so I wouldn’t get hurt or rejected or goddess forbid, be wildly happy by just being me. It’s always easier to find the reasons to not do something and seek safety in our comfort zone, yes?

So ask yourself, what you are practicing? Do you feel like others have more courage than you do? If so, I will let you in on a secret. Which is this… there is no secret. All they are doing is practicing courage more than they are practicing fear. They know that the more we practice confronting fear and not allowing it to stand in the way of our dreams, the smaller and quieter fear becomes.

So, how do you start practicing courage? I’m not a life coach, or a therapist or an expert on anything, but what I would suggest is:

1) Trust in the knowledge that you are capable of accomplishing whatever it is you want, even if you feel frozen with fear. You are wondrous and alive and worthy and enough. Take off the armor of false protection that fear gives, it’s heavy carrying that weight on your gorgeous body.

2) Set a goal, and make it happen. It doesn’t have to be a lofty goal, in fact it’s best if it’s not if you are one who has been practicing fear for a while, though do have it be something that scares you a little – walking to the mailbox doesn’t count. Unless there is a growling demon with sharp teeth living in your mailbox. Then it counts.

Perhaps you can send an email to someone you admire, or dress up in those sexy heels you love and take yourself out to a restaurant…. alone.  Sign up for that class that you keep looking at but are resistant to take the plunge. Share your art. Make that phone call you need to make. Answer that question that whispers in your ear. Truly listen… without talking. The point is to take action on something that is holding you back. Do this a few times consistently and ask yourself how it feels. Does it feel good? What were the results? Does it get any easier each time you practice? Even a teensy tiny bit?

3) Courage is not about being fearless, it’s about action in the presence of fear. So write down your fears, which in itself is a courageous action. If there is something you really want but are feeling stuck on the path to getting it, see if you can dig deep to identify the source of the fear. Is there a story you created or an excuse you are hanging on to based on that fear that is holding you back? Find ways to move through it and release the power it has over you.  Here is one powerful way to release your fears.

Courage already lives inside you, all you need to do is keep up your practice.

Simply put, I’m not a web designer. More simply put, I currently don’t have the budget to pay a web designer to pretty this space up for me while in the midst of selling our Austin home and manifesting another (though I do graciously thank Timi of Cinnamon Girl designs for this template, Thérèse Cator for some WordPress guidance and a whole lot of Google}. So until that day arrives when I can budget for a designer, I decided to treat my online home in the same way I would if I were moving into a new home that I was also designing myself – which I also hope to be doing very soon.

My mantra for this space is not about offering that which is perfect, but offering that which is true.

For now, the walls are white while I collect paint chips and inspiration. I am inviting room for breathing space to figure out the technical aspects of decorating online spaces. I will slowly unpack what I have to offer and allow it all to come together organically over time. I like surrounding myself with beautiful, meaningful and real things (I honor my messy bits) so my hope is that will eventually manifest itself here in a way that represents my being.

Welcome to my new online home, Create Conscious Connection. To find out more about me and this site, please visit my about page.

Welcome. Thank you for being here.